Reaching, 2022

Reaching is a piece created in response to a past project, called The Weight of False Identity. You might remember this sculptural headpiece and drawing—they were hung here in the Jacobson Gallery last autumn! The Weight of False Identity was a reflection of my shame around messiness. I critiqued the concept of finding identity in failure and portrayed this burden with a heavy headpiece of garbage and clothes. If you look closely, you can actually find the headpiece within a drawer in Reaching!

Since the end of December 2021, I am excited to say that I have made huge steps of growth. I cleaned my entire room and basement and am trying to set habits that will hold me from falling back into clutter. This is huge because my bedroom has seen various degrees of chaos since childhood, and I have tried tirelessly to overcome this embarrassing obstacle. My project is called Reaching because that truly is the physical and metaphorical idea that best encompasses this experience. I am–and have been–reaching for goals that seem impossible, and viewers can visually see how high my goals feel to me.

I chose to use both traditional and unconventional art mediums like the artist Robert Rauschenberg, who combines paint and everyday items in his pieces. I chose natural items that authentically represent my experience. I formed the composition of Reaching with a horizontal plastic dresser at the top of the ceiling. Drawers hang from it precariously to represent a feeling of gradual progress that is not yet sturdy. The hanging drawers are unstable and look like they might fall—one, in fact, did fall. I displayed an obsessive effort to keep things in order by taping many of the items to the drawers. I also used paint mixed with vinegar water to visualize cleaning. The wall behind my sculpture is painted with a rag, thoroughly “cleaning” it with the mixture. I made this visual choice because I have been wiping and scrubbing to clean counters, floors, mirrors, and even the stairs. It is a satisfying and rewarding process that has an edge of urgency.

In my success of cleaning my room, there is a fear that I will fail again; that I am unable to change and mess is simply part of my identity. This project reminds me that progress must be reached gradually. There will be moments of falling back, but even in those moments, I will be further than before. There are drawers securely held at the top with clothes folded safely inside. They will not fall. The hard work of wiping, filling, and closing the drawers will have paid off. Reaching represents a feeling of uncertainty and tension. I’m not exactly sure of where I am in this journey, and I have begun to fall back into clutter in some ways already. There is a sense of hanging onto something weak and hoping it will hold on.

I’m also wary of allowing my identity to be tied to cleanliness like it was to mess in The Weight of False Identity. I want my identity to be in the intrinsic value God gave me, not failure or success. There is cognitive dissonance because I understand it is good to clean because it is taking care of myself and becoming available to serve others and God, but it is easy to be prideful. I must remember that God wants me to work hard, but the work I do doesn’t make me a more valuable person. I am loved as I am.

As I continue to process these concepts, I do want to acknowledge my progress. I am excited that I am even able to genuinely create this piece. I sure wasn’t before! I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m glad to be moving upwards. For now, I’ll just trust God and continue to reach.